My fifth draft of Tsirash is finally done.
While I was somewhat downhearted that my fourth draft was so easily cut down (especially near the beginning), I also realized that I wasn't happy with it, either. It needed something. I just wasn't sure what that was until after I'd already started sending out queries. So I opened up a new document, made a list, and started over. And it took a lot longer than I thought it would. I set my goal for a month, thought three months, ended up with over a year's worth of work.
I was afraid that it just wasn't good enough. "No one wants to read this," I'd think. "Well, I do, but I've read so little that I'm not qualified to write it." My husband knows this, because I'd ask him at least twice a day, "You like my book, right? You like my characters?" Of course, the answer was always yes, but it didn't do much to make me feel better. "He's married to me--he's obligated to like it," I thought.
At this time, my job was literally hurting me. I was emotionally and physically drained at the end of each day. All I wanted to do was eat junk food and play video games when I got home. It made writing really difficult. My ever-supportive husband told me I could quit if I wanted to, because he was finally making enough money to pay for stuff. So I took his offer. I quit, promising myself that I'd do productive things every day, lose weight, and write like it was my career.
It's like living in a dream, to actually have the freedom to sit and write as long as I want. It's such a great opportunity, and I'm grateful for every minute of it. I mean, I still have bad days and problems... but I finished my book. It had taken over a year to get barely 25,000 words in. It's now over 70,000 words and it's finished.
I've been told many times that "writers don't make money, so keep your day job," the odds of getting published are slim, and that "you should do something productive with your time, like going back to school." Those things used to bother me. Now they just make me all the more determined to prove that I can do this. That's because I love my characters, I love my story, and I want to share it with the world.
I finally feel like it's good enough.